2

Two days can make quite the difference in perspective.

I'm not sure what's up with Jocelyn. We're supposed to see each other tonight, but it's not unlike her to cancel. I'm having doubts about us. If she was committed to me, and definitely wanted to be in a relationship, I wouldn't be having these doubts. It's not so much if she's right for me, I'm just starting to wonder if I'm right for her.

If we could get past our, well...past, and really accept the fact that we want to be together, then great. And I'm absolutely ready and willing to commit.

But right now, we're in a weird state. We're semi-committal but with no real direction in front of us. She doesn't want us to see other people, but she also isn't showing me the interest and communication one would expect out of someone ready to go steady.

Jaime told Jocelyn that me and her were like a romantic comedy. Jaime's been such a champion of us being together so of course she said that with great affection and meant it in the best way possible. Jocelyn didn't like it though. Megan, Rich's awesome new girlfriend, also gave her some pretty non-confrontational advice: don't get caught up in an on-again, off-again type of relationship since that usually ends in both parties resenting one another. Jocelyn thought both Megan and Jaime's comments were confrontational and emotionally shut down during that talk.

I'm glad Jocelyn was honest with me about this situation, but it isn't really indicative of someone excited and ready for a relationship.

She doesn't text me, she scarcely responds to the very few texts that I send her, and has not wanted to spend the night with me in well over a week. My fear right now is that when we got back together, it wasn't because she wanted to be with me...it was because she didn't want to see me move on to someone else...Noelle.

It's not like this fear has come out of nowhere. She had no interest in Dan but when he started seeing Hadar, she took it way, way too personally. Granted, that was a little bit different, and Dan definitely deserves some blame for not communicating properly with her.  Still, the fact that she still hates Hadar with as much of a passion as she does, is concerning. Sometimes it feels like she still thinks she possess the boys she used to date, and even when she doesn't want to be in a relationship with them, absolutely abhors the idea of them ever being with someone else.

If we hang out tonight, we'll definitely talk. If not, then I don't know what I'll do. All I want right now is affection, both physical and emotional. And it's been very hard to get that out of her these days.

There's never been a human being on this planet who has occupied such a large part of my mind and soul than Jocelyn. For better...and sometimes, for worse.

1

It's the same thing that's been on my mind for...shit, I can't even say how long. I'm in love with Jocelyn. Tonight, after ten hours spending time together, I drove her home. Last week, when she didn't want to spend the night, I got freaked out. She has changed her mind about wanting to be in a relationship with me a couple of times in just two months, so I'd be lying if I said I'm afraid that that might happen again. I know better than anyone that feelings can change. Feelings can run as strong as the most aggressive river currents, but can just as quickly fade into nothing more than a murky pond of hard-to-reclaim memories.

So yeah, I'm fucking scared. But every time I see her, she kisses me on the forehead in a way that truly makes me feel like there's nothing to be afraid of. And every time she tells me loves me, I believe her more and more. So tonight, when she wanted to sleep her in own bed, I was more than happy to oblige. Because we're really starting to create a strong bedrock of trust as romantic partners. At least, that's how it seems.

We listened to Phoebe Bridgers on the ride home. Her dreamy yet angsty songs seemed to be written just for us on this very night. Her song "You Missed My Heart" was the perfect backdrop for the last five minute stretch of the ride from Waltham to Belmont. We held eachother for fifteen minutes and made out for what seemed like forever. As she went to leave, she turned back and kissed me again.

It was a beautiful ending to a wonderful day. If she stayed the night, it wouldn't have ended so perfectly.